How to pick up drunk chicks

The joy that is Awful Library Books has come up with the goods yet again: The Complete Guide to Meeting Women.

This how-to guide for the struggling man looks simply amazing, and would surely receive a gold star from any reader of Ralph.

This book advocates date rape as a way to meet women, includes chapters on “using astrology to pick up women” and “using the powers of the mind” and advises all the great old standbys like asking a woman to rub suntan oil on you at the beach. And for those guys who “are tired of the liberated American women who are so busy trying to be equal to men that they have forgotten how to be ‘real’ women”, there’s a chapter on how to find an Asian mail order bride.

I particularly like this valuable tip:

A high and loaded woman is either high on liquor or drugs or even both. After a few drinks or under the influence of drugs, she will be feeling rather loose and perhaps even horny. Naturally, this is to your advantage because it makes your prey easier to catch.

The BEST thing? This is not a pathetic home-publishing job from the 70s - it was published in 1991. Awww yeah.

Whenever I see fine publications such as this historic tome, I am reminded of a little-known fact. Any printed work, in any format, as long as it has been published a multiple of five times (that is, five copies have been created), is archived at the National Library. This is a legal requirement which, if breached can result in large fines. That's right my friends - those photocopied newsletters of the Communist party are collated, sealed and archived for future generations alongside the Liberal Party national newsletter, Beagle Lovers Monthly and anyone who prints their blog five times.

Hopefully The Complete Guide to Meeting Women is also protected to ensure readers in the 32th century are as offended as I am today.